A groan grasps the peanut near the offending anthology.

A groan grasps the peanut near the offending anthology.

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............

Husband : how does it help

Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.

What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams"

This guy went to school and he asked "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."

The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

The teacher asked "Where's the p?

He replied, " running down my leg!"



A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.

The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

New funny jokes

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread." So the duck says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that." "Got any bread?" asks the duck. "No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!" The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?" "No," sighs the barman. So the duck says..."Got any bread?"

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said; "Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"
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Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
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What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says, "I just need to outrun you."
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Your mums so fat when I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
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Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!! "
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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
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The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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What did one math book say to the other math book? "I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"

Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."

Santa - "Send me your mother."
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
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One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
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teacher asked : Why are you late for school? Johnny: Because of the Sign. Teacher : What Sign? Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
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This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Top Reasons to go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

. No one will ever steal your chair.

50 things to do when on elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It’s a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator. v

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.


14. Talk to yourself

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I’ve got new socks on!"

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger. 20. Meow occasionally.

. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose

22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"

. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You’re one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, and then say "mmmm…tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

34. Play the harmonica.

35. Shadow box. 36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.


40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it’s getting larger."


50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

Mid-life crisis

A middle aged man calls his wife from a motel and says to her "honey I just had sex with an eighteen year old and it was great, can't believe I can still do so much." The following week his wife called him from a motel and says to him "honey I just had sex with an eighteen year old and you know what? Eighteen can go into fourty five a lot more than fourty five can go into eighteen"

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.2. A day without sunshine is like . . night. 3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.5. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.25. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

WORDS WOMEN USE

WORDS WOMEN USEFINE This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.FIVE MINUTES If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.NOTHING This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"GO AHEAD This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"THAT'S OKAY This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.THANKS A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.Thanx to Wilbert L.

Drunk observations

Drunk observationsA woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:a half-gallon of 2% milk,a carton of eggs,a quart of orange juice,a head of romaine lettuce,a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." Thanx to Maggie S.

"I'm FINE!"

"I'm FINE!"A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'"asked the lawyer.Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..""I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?" "Now what the hell would you say?"

Great Quotations:

Great Quotations:Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister.... and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark TwainSanta Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. ~Victor BorgeBe careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark TwainWhat would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce. ~Mark TwainBy all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~SocratesI was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho MarxMy wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy DuranteI never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa GaborMoney can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. ~Spike MilliganWhat's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money! ~ Henny YoungmanUntil I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'. ~Joe NamathYouth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~Herbert Henry AsquithI don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~Bob HopeWe could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~UnknownMaybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~UnknownDoctor to patient: I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. ~ UnknownThe cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good .. spit it out. ~UnknownBy the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~UnknownIt's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. ~Unknown

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband...

It's a wife's job to listen to her husband...There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.""You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?""I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check." Thanx to Maggie S.

To all you men out there

To all you men out there.....here is your revenge for all the bad "man" jokes.How many men does it take to open a beer?None. It should be opened by the time she brings itWhy is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the stove.Why do men break wind more than women?Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?A woman who won't do what she's told.I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always.I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.I don't like to interrupt her.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.It's called a Wedding Cake.Marriage is a 3-ring circus.Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"I said, "Dust!"Why do men die before their wives?They want to.A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."She looked at him and said, "I wish I had your willpower."Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"Dad: That happens in every country, son.A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted".The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful. Thanks to Wilbert L.

True story from Sweden some might enjoy

True story from Sweden some might enjoy....... After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. The downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit Dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay. When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. The Moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home. Including the curtain rods. Thanx to Connie C.

The best website for fun games is

miniclip.com its amazing

Tampons, Yea That’d Be Fun

Tampons, Yea That’d Be Fun
A couple of older bums are relaxing on a park bench, bored out of their minds. They’re not the brightest of crayons, but are known to be pretty resourceful – especially when bored.

3 new jokes

A man walks into a sports bar with his dog. A NASCAR Sprint Cup race is on a TV. He sits down and asks how Dale Earnhardt Jr. is doing. The bartender says “Dale Jr is in 35th, not doing so well”. The man’s dog jumps up, and runs aroundthe barstool 35 times.
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As I sit here I’m contemplating having a vasectomy, you know… the “removing” of your manhood. You know, it looks like a relatively simple procedure, heck I even asked if they had a do-it-yourself kit (true story). Afterall, $950 bucks for a 15 minute snip-snip is kinda excessive. At any rate, I won’t be cutting on my balls anytime soon – but I do have some vasectomy jokes (more of a timeline of events) if you’re in the same mood I am. We’ll call him “Bill” and this is his story.
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Swine Flu Jokes
Ok, these are all that great… but it’s been requested (alot). So I figured we’d post what we have. Thanks to all those who submitted these short jokes via email or as submitted drafts. Feel free to rail on them in the comments, or add your own.

funny horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – You still have way too much to do. Youalways have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would beable to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – In a surprising twist, the failure ofanother large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est lavie, non?Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Try not to be too impulsive, today. Askyourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’dbe fun to have.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – If you don’t start flossing more often,the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better careof yourself.Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Today you will uncover a conspiracy,involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless gardenequipment.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Ever had one of those times whenyou ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and theysay “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.Libra (September 22 – October 22) – You may have to share a hotel roomwith a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip tokeep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punchit really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up,Mr. Teddy! Shut up!.”Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Time to do something about thathigh blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You will find that if youdeliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot ofquestions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You will discover whatShakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in MuchAdo About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatterthat somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not onlyenjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) – You’ve been yodeling in yoursleep, again. Is it any wonder that you’ve been having trouble withyour romantic relationships?Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – You will wake with a start tonight,and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snufflingaround in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, thatwill turn out to be all it is.

4th of july

How is a healthy person like the United States?They both have good constitutions!
What quacks, has webbed feet, and betrays his country?Beneduck Arnold!
What’s big, cracked, and carries your luggage?The Liberty Bellhop!
What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?Liberty!
What was General Washington’s favorite tree?The infantry!
What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?The Boston Flea Party!
4th of July Quotes
What happened as a result of the Stamp Act?The Americans licked the British!
What ghost haunted King George III?The spirit of ‘76!
Did you hear about the cartoonist in the Continental Army?He was a Yankee doodler!
Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?Because the horse was too heavy to carry!
What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?Yankee Poodle!

smarest dog ever

as a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please." amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. he follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. the dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. when a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. the butcher follows, dumbstruck. as the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. after awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" button, then the butcher follows him off. the dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the stoop. he goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. he does this again and again. no answer. so he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. a big guy opens it and starts cursing and pummeling the dog. the butcher runs up screams at the guy: "what the hell are you doing? this dog's a genius!" the owner responds, "genius, my ass. it's the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

a magician joke

magician was working on a cruise ship in the caribbean. the audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. there was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "look, it's not the same hat!" "look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" the magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. one day the ship had an accident and sank. the magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. they stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for several days. after a week the parrot finally said: "okay, i give up. what'd you do with the boat?"

a mans best friend

a man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. the man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. the friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "that dog is really talented! what does he do if you miss a putt?" "somersaults," says the man. "somersaults?!" says the friend, "that's incredible. how many does he do?" "hmmm," says the man. "that depends on how hard i kick him in the ass."

funny speeding joke

Speeding?
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles anhour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman followingher. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.
When she looked back again, their were two motorcyclesfollowing her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time shelooked around, there were three cops following her.
Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. Shescreeched to a stop and ran into the ladies’ room. Tenminutes later, she innocently walked out.
The three cops were standing there waiting for her. Then,without batting an eye, she said coyly, “I’ll bet none ofyou thought I would make it.”

The top 12 signs the economy is bad(funny)

The top 12 signs the economy is bad
12. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.
11. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
10. I went to buy a toaster oven and they gave me a bank.
9. Hotwheels and Matchbox car companies are now trading higher than GM in the stock market.
8. Obama met with small businesses GE, Pfizer, Chrysler, Citigroup, and GM to discuss the Stimulus Package.
7. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
6. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and are learning their children’s names.
5. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.
4. People in Africa are donating money to Americans. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate; do you know how many kids are starving in America?”
3. Motel Six won’t leave the lights on.
2. The mafia is laying off judges.
1. If the bank returns your check marked as “insufficient funds,” you have to call them and ask if they meant you or them.

joke

Lost Homework
Little Johnny looked so sad his teacher had to inquire what waswrong. “What’s the problem?” she asked. “I hope it’s not aboutyour homework again.”
“Well, uh, yes it is,” Little Johnny says. “I accidentally made myhomework paper into a paper airplane.”
“That wasn’t the smartest thing to do,” said the teacher, “But,just this once, I’ll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in.”
“Sorry, but that won’t work,” Little Johnny replied, looking evensadder. “You see, the plane was hijacked!”

funny

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho ,and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed.. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch ofgeese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

funny

Cowboy rules for:
Arizona, Texas , Colorado , Oklahoma , New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Idaho ,and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:
1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap right, your head ain’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight: it’s called a ‘gravel road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. That’s why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south.. Pick one and go.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed.. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch ofgeese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin’ in during the hunts, we WILL shoot it outa your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That’s applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. No, there’s no ‘vegetarian special’ on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.
12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah . . We don’t care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat IT AIN’T REAL CHILI!!
13. You bring ‘Coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards – it spooks the fish.
16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

momma jokes

Your momma is so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.

your momma is so old she sat next to jesus in first grade.

ya mums so fat that she stepped on the scales and they said to be continued.

yo mama so stupid that 10 minutes after she bought a pine tree air freshener for her car she gets pulled over for weaving all over the road...... the cop says why are u swerving.. yo mama says... there's a damn tree in my way.

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more to come - soon