A groan grasps the peanut near the offending anthology.

A groan grasps the peanut near the offending anthology.

Husband: everytime I hit you, you never fight back. how do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat.............

Husband : how does it help

Wife: I use your toothbrush!!!!

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.

What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams"

This guy went to school and he asked "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, " no not unless you say your abc's."

The guy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

The teacher asked "Where's the p?

He replied, " running down my leg!"



A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them. When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

"I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.

The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seat belt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

New funny jokes

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread." So the duck says, "Got any bread?" The barman says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have bread. I told you that." "Got any bread?" asks the duck. "No, we don't sell bread here... and if you say that again i will nail you to the table!!!!" The duck pauses then says, "Got any nails?" "No," sighs the barman. So the duck says..."Got any bread?"

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There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said; "Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"
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Two snakes are talking. One of them turns to the other and asks, "Are we venomous?" The other replays, "Yes,why?..." "I just bit ma lip."
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What did the blonde say when she found she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
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Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says, "I just need to outrun you."
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Your mums so fat when I took a picture of her last Christmas and its still printing.
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Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop. "Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?". "It was at the end of this key", Edward replies. At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself? Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!! "
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A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh.. well.. ah.. well, I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up."
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The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that." "Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
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What did one math book say to the other math book? "I don't know about you man, but I got a lot of problems!"

Boy - "dear Santa, for xmas, I would like a baby brother."

Santa - "Send me your mother."
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A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."
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One day Dick Cheney, George Bush and Laura Bush were in a private jet going to France. Then, George Bush said, " If i throw this hundred dollar bill off this jet I'll make one person happy!" Then Dick Cheney said, " Man if i throw ten, ten dollar bills down, I'll make ten people happy!" Then Laura Bush said, " If I throw one hundred one dollar bills off this jet I'll make a hundred people happy." Then the pilot said, " Man, if I throw these 3 losers outta this jet, I'll make six billion people happy."
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A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim asks. "He says you're gonna die."
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teacher asked : Why are you late for school? Johnny: Because of the Sign. Teacher : What Sign? Johnny : The sign that says "School ahead go slow"
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This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ. Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his p*nis. "No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

Husband always insisted on making love in the dark. After 20 years wife turns on the light, finds him holding a vibrator. She goes balistic, "You impotent bas*ard! How could you lie to me all these years?" Husband looks her straight in the eyes & calmly says, "I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids....."

Top Reasons to go to Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. You can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

. No one will ever steal your chair.